I hear the St. Charles, Mo. City Council may propose a bill to ban cussin’ or indecent language, songs, entertainment, literature, table dancing and drinking contests to cut down on unruliness in its bars.

I can understand cracking down on the loud, crazy bar activities - a move that couldn’t hurt at some Alton taverns, from what I hear. I do agree that owners do have the right to dictate behavior in their businesses, and they should do so to protect their investments, livelihoods and liquor licenses.

But, the idea of having police spend time on potty-mouth patrol is intriguing. It probably would be impossible to enforce such an ordinance unless the business owner filed a complaint against the cusser.

I don’t know if this proposal will go anywhere in St. Charles, as it comes up for preliminary discussion on Monday. Predictable arguments will center around 1st Amendment right to free speech; how the ordinance would be enforced; and defining exactly what is offensive language.

One man’s “Hades” is another man’s “hell.”

I’m sure when this issue comes up Monday, discussion will parallel debates of a few years ago when John Haltom wanted to open the Johnny Vegas store on East Broadway in Alton. Haltom, of Lincoln, Neb., said his business would be mainly a “gift” and clothing store, not an adult shop. He pointed to arrays of lotions, candles, high heels, dolphin statues, bathing suits and negligees, saying people could buy all of those items at Alton Square.

But then there was the other stuff…whether that merchandise is obscene or not was purely up to each person’s perception.

That said, if cussing and obscene language is banned in St. Charles, I would be curious as to what words make the list. Obviously, comedian George Carlin’s infamous “seven dirty words” probably would be a good strarting point.

But everyone has words that set him or her off, which could result in arguments - if not fights - at a bar.

Go to some bars in the South and yell that your great-great-grandfather killed seven Rebels during the War of Northern Aggresion and see what happens. Better put references to the Civil War on the list in St. Charles, as Missouri had many Southern sympathizers who have descendents.

In some towns, if you cheer for an away baseball or hockey team, you could get punched. Better ban “Red Wings,” “White Sox” or “Cubs” just to be safe in St. Charles.

And to be even safer, put “Kansas Jayhawks” on that list. That name is obscene to many Missourians and can cause an instant fit of anger in some of them, especially around game time.

To take this issue further, could someone still allude to a cuss word and escape arrest? Examples: “Oh fudge!” “Going to Hades in a hand basket” or “poo poo.” For more examples, stay up late and watch black and white movies from the 1940’s and ’50’s. Even those allusions could be offense to some.

So, it will be interesting to see what develops across the way in St. Charles.

I just hope if the ban is implemented, I won’t ever stub my toe or fall down on the sidewalk outside a bar and rip open my knee, without first getting it down pat: “Oh shucks! Oh darn! Oh my goodness!”

One more time. “Oh shucks! Oh darn! Oh my goodness!”

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